Loving the Van You Are In

Jeremy Clarkson, the host of Top Gear, said something like The Prius is the car for people who hate cars. If this is the case, then Vans are for people that really really hate cars. Booyea roars the crowd. Boohoo blubbers the esteemed van owner.

Van Owner, we understand the circumstances by which you have selected a van for all your tours de vie. This post is for you. With a bullet.

Two words: Attitude Adjustment. Toyota has the what whaat on this front. If this music video doesn't move you to flash WeSide (i.e. we're on your side) to your van-padres on the road, then nothing will.

Honda is advertising their van by taking a more tranquil approach; they accomplished this by mashing the aforeitalicized words together to form Vanquility, an entirely new state of being. Similar to Zen, to belabor and labor and labor the point.

Word Hippo suggests words you might be looking for instead of the word van and they are forefront, front, lead, head, vanguard, pole position, cutting edge. Let's side with Word Hippo. (The dino-thesaurus is just so Jurassic.)

Ask not what your van can do for you, but what you can do for your van. Consider bumper/ window stickers to help your van reflect more of who you are. Right down to your height and your er...width, if you desire. Wait. Ix-nay on the idth-way, they are all stick people. Admittedly, family stick people decals are getting a shocking amount of window play out there so if you are shooting for something more edgy, take an actual photo and paste it up.

Baby on Board Surf Decal by Slaps 

Which brings us to new takes on old goodies. A play on anything is usually funny. When creating your own bumper sticker, consider Simple + Non-offensive = Cute.

(For all the formulas you need to know, read The Spectacle.)

Honda Odyssey Racing by JeffAhn

If words don't cut the residue of van ownership, consider racing. Or even a simple racing stripe. The philosophy here is If you can't beat it, try to beat it.

As luck would have it, there was a Top Gear episode featuring a few old vans. Tests included a drag race, how long it took to load and unload various items, tailgating, replacing the driver's doors, length of time for a burglar to unlock the rear doors, and outrunning a police patrol car on their test track. If there is an opportunity to get your groove back, Van Owner, it is surely placing in any of these competencies.