Ode to the Commode

Ah, the commode. If you are seeing too much of it or not enough--it is news--just as sure as the weather.

Toilets having varying flush power, which you will be in a position to appreciate if ever one plugs on you. Okay, if you ever plug a toilet, here is what you do: Have no fear because a) new toilets will cease to overflow* no matter the times you try to deny the plugging, and b) cheap, flimsy plungers will do the trick. Unplugging (un-plaguing?) a toilet is a less than graceful task until you have done it 20 times, so try to avoid spectators until that point.

Now, be bold. Approach the hole with the plunger full-on, as if you are not afraid to catch the spray of the plunge and I swear, it is the fearlessness in the motion that wards off the unsavory spray. Place the rubber part into the hole as best you can and plunge, plunge, plunge! Let that toilet hole know no reprieve. Keep the water in the bowl, for godsake! Flush again if there is not enough water to cushion the plunging so you get a real sucking sound. The toilet water might begin to return on its own or need another flush to remember its place in the bowl, either way, you need not be afraid of an unsuccessful flush in the future.

Plunging a toilet is a handy motion that you will be able to put to good use and if you have mastered it, plugged toilets will eventually find you. Go forth! And restore flow to toilets everywhere!

*I have a very prominent memory of a childhood friend who flushed, no doubt many times, an old toilet in my childhood house. There was no plunger and her large turd ended-up in our entryway. The end. Mysteriously, that friendship went bottoms-up. Well, it bobbled around for awhile, maybe floundered, and then finally sucked without any fanfare or toilet paper streamers.

Remember: If you flush once, and then twice--to test the flush handle--and there is still no toilet flow, resolve yourself immediately to telling the host "Excuse me, it seems I have plugged your toilet. [Pause for emphasis]. Do you have a plunger handy?" If they are a good host, they will have a plunger handy. If plugging toilets has happened to you at least once, consider keeping a plunger in your car.

I once saw a plunger fastened with rubber-bands to the steering wheel of a car, my best guess is that the car affiliates were trying to achieve the ever-popular, steering-wheel lock look. While this unique fashion for a plunger might detour a thief in the night, it has better chances of plunging the ailing toilet, despite the day or night or weather.